Me and the Blondes -Teresa Toten(Post 4)

For this blog post, I wrote a spoken word poem called "The Lonesome's Story." The poem describes the thoughts running through one's head when they are affected by alienation. It demonstrates how being alone feels, despite having a social life, and how the mask of feelings one has on display for everyone else to see breaks when they are alone. Feeling like an outcast deprives one of the happiness they deserve completely, leaving them no choice but to please others around them to fill their emptiness. I chose to write a spoken word poem because writing has been a coping method for me whenever I concealed my emotions. After reading about Sophia's struggle to fit in and her ways of dealing with loneliness through suppressing her emotions, I was able to make many connections to this issue, which is prominent in our own schools and society. I was able to understand Sophia's character extremely well, due to mine and my friends' past experiences. For example: in Grade 6, I did not socialize much and remained to myself, as I did not know anyone, and was afraid of how others would react to things I say or the ideas I have. I wanted to come out of that shell, which sometimes led me to hide my true feelings, so others would accept me.

Sophia lets the reader know about her troubles and discomfort several times in the book. For example: when her mother was crying after talking to Sophia's father, Sophia let the reader know that "fear takes up a lot of room...in [her] head" (Toten 162), because she cannot let others know about her familial background, specifically her father. The poem below can be referred to as the diary of Sophia Kandinsky, as it demonstrates how one's true identity can be hid, without anyone noticing, and how it affects them. 

Confined by her own thoughts and struggles,

She can't speak to let her demons out.

Her days are filled with constant fear,

The fear of others finding out.

She appears strong, and brave like knight,

But this is a battle she has already lost.

She only lets it show when she is alone

And endures the biting pain it caused.

What is it about eating her words?

"I can't let them see," she says.

Each tear that falls from her eyes 

Is the only thing she feels inside,

unseen to all the others

She lives in a home, with family and friends

But inside herself, there is no peace.

There are only tremors, and worries of the days,

the darkness wins over any light she sees.

Me and the Blondes- Teresa Toten (Post 3)

So far, I have discussed the effects and distraught feelings of alienation. In this blog, I will expand on the effects of alienation through the following visual.

The picture above is my display of alienation. It demonstrates how one's true emotions can be easily lost and buried in papers and words, and never be expressed. There are letters in the picture  that were written by Sophia throughout the book, but never sent. They are a way for her to cope with the feelings of not belonging; she writes how she feels and hides the evidence of the fact that she cares.In addition, the photograph includes a list that describes how one going through distress as such will distract themselves by other tasks, to erase the memories of any unwanted feelings. I chose to show the issue through Sophia's letters, as they best depict how she is completely alone, despite having peers, and only finds solace through writing. In the paragraph below, I will talk about how the letters hold Sophia's feelings of distress, that are accompanied with alienation.

To begin with, Sophia refuses to send any letters to her father, as she does not want him to feel guilty. This is seen when she crumples up a letter dated September, 17th, 1974, and says "I could write to Papa next week...I could really make him feel good about everything and everything" (Toten 26). This shows a dire need felt by Sophia to be accepted, and make others around her feel good; to make sure they accept her as well. This is also revealed when Sophia crumples another letter, and says, "This was no way to start my first letter to him...then he would hate me too." Apart from wanting to be accepted, the urge to appear indifferent for Sophia was triggered by her father's parting words; "Don't let them in. Keep your cards close to your chest, Princess" (Toten 201). Sophia learned to keep her emotions to herself, or she will appear too needy. Furthermore, Sophia begins the letters with the purpose of making her father happy, but includes her pent up anger and pain in her words as well. This is seen when she blames her father for being the reason why she is constantly worried, as she writes, "...of course it's your fault...that's...why I had to find the Blondes and...be so alert and remember how we killed you" (Toten 26). This hurt is boxed within the letters only, as Sophia never discloses the information about her father to any of her friends. As a result, she feels detached from her friends (The Blondes), even when they are together. Her days are comprised of a load of secrets, which makes her feel like an outcast.

To end off, this is how Sophia's letters express her feelings; her words are unheard, and her feelings are hidden, lost in papers.