Me and the Blondes -Teresa Toten(Post 4)

For this blog post, I wrote a spoken word poem called "The Lonesome's Story." The poem describes the thoughts running through one's head when they are affected by alienation. It demonstrates how being alone feels, despite having a social life, and how the mask of feelings one has on display for everyone else to see breaks when they are alone. Feeling like an outcast deprives one of the happiness they deserve completely, leaving them no choice but to please others around them to fill their emptiness. I chose to write a spoken word poem because writing has been a coping method for me whenever I concealed my emotions. After reading about Sophia's struggle to fit in and her ways of dealing with loneliness through suppressing her emotions, I was able to make many connections to this issue, which is prominent in our own schools and society. I was able to understand Sophia's character extremely well, due to mine and my friends' past experiences. For example: in Grade 6, I did not socialize much and remained to myself, as I did not know anyone, and was afraid of how others would react to things I say or the ideas I have. I wanted to come out of that shell, which sometimes led me to hide my true feelings, so others would accept me.

Sophia lets the reader know about her troubles and discomfort several times in the book. For example: when her mother was crying after talking to Sophia's father, Sophia let the reader know that "fear takes up a lot of room...in [her] head" (Toten 162), because she cannot let others know about her familial background, specifically her father. The poem below can be referred to as the diary of Sophia Kandinsky, as it demonstrates how one's true identity can be hid, without anyone noticing, and how it affects them. 

Confined by her own thoughts and struggles,

She can't speak to let her demons out.

Her days are filled with constant fear,

The fear of others finding out.

She appears strong, and brave like knight,

But this is a battle she has already lost.

She only lets it show when she is alone

And endures the biting pain it caused.

What is it about eating her words?

"I can't let them see," she says.

Each tear that falls from her eyes 

Is the only thing she feels inside,

unseen to all the others

She lives in a home, with family and friends

But inside herself, there is no peace.

There are only tremors, and worries of the days,

the darkness wins over any light she sees.

Me and the Blondes- Teresa Toten (Post 3)

So far, I have discussed the effects and distraught feelings of alienation. In this blog, I will expand on the effects of alienation through the following visual.

The picture above is my display of alienation. It demonstrates how one's true emotions can be easily lost and buried in papers and words, and never be expressed. There are letters in the picture  that were written by Sophia throughout the book, but never sent. They are a way for her to cope with the feelings of not belonging; she writes how she feels and hides the evidence of the fact that she cares.In addition, the photograph includes a list that describes how one going through distress as such will distract themselves by other tasks, to erase the memories of any unwanted feelings. I chose to show the issue through Sophia's letters, as they best depict how she is completely alone, despite having peers, and only finds solace through writing. In the paragraph below, I will talk about how the letters hold Sophia's feelings of distress, that are accompanied with alienation.

To begin with, Sophia refuses to send any letters to her father, as she does not want him to feel guilty. This is seen when she crumples up a letter dated September, 17th, 1974, and says "I could write to Papa next week...I could really make him feel good about everything and everything" (Toten 26). This shows a dire need felt by Sophia to be accepted, and make others around her feel good; to make sure they accept her as well. This is also revealed when Sophia crumples another letter, and says, "This was no way to start my first letter to him...then he would hate me too." Apart from wanting to be accepted, the urge to appear indifferent for Sophia was triggered by her father's parting words; "Don't let them in. Keep your cards close to your chest, Princess" (Toten 201). Sophia learned to keep her emotions to herself, or she will appear too needy. Furthermore, Sophia begins the letters with the purpose of making her father happy, but includes her pent up anger and pain in her words as well. This is seen when she blames her father for being the reason why she is constantly worried, as she writes, "...of course it's your fault...that's...why I had to find the Blondes and...be so alert and remember how we killed you" (Toten 26). This hurt is boxed within the letters only, as Sophia never discloses the information about her father to any of her friends. As a result, she feels detached from her friends (The Blondes), even when they are together. Her days are comprised of a load of secrets, which makes her feel like an outcast.

To end off, this is how Sophia's letters express her feelings; her words are unheard, and her feelings are hidden, lost in papers.

Me and The Blondes- Teresa Toten (Post 2)

In my previous blog, the issue of alienation was discussed, which is the main issue developed in the story, "Me and the Blondes." I talked about  Sophia Kandinsky, a fifteen year old whose secrets compel her to move around different schools, in search of a place where she could belong. To show what alienation could lead to, I will discuss the effects of alienation in this post using a song.


Nobody's Home by Avril Lavigne

Nobody's Home: Avril Lavigne
I chose the song "Nobody's Home" by Avril Lavigne as it accurately represents this issue through the eyes of a bystander, Lavigne,  who is acquainted with a girl, "she", with similar struggles. The title of the song defines how the character feels as she finds herself to be an outcast, feels lonely and doesn't have a companion to share her worries with. I saw Sophia's pain and emotion in the lyrics and instrumental of the song, which is why I chose this piece. The song does not only make the listener feel for the character, but is also well-connected to the story. The paragraphs below show how the song connects to "Me and the Blondes."

To start off, in the chorus of the song, Lavigne says, "She wants to go home, but nobody's home. Its where she lies, broken inside." These lyrics strongly depict Sophia's inner struggle, as home is considered a place where one can love and be loved, and Sophia feels deprived of both. At one point in the story, Sophia decides she wants to tell The Blondes- her newly found friend group, about her father, but then remembers, "Belong? Tell them about this? How could anyone begin to understand this?" (Toten 159). This shows how Sophia doesn't have a place to go to where she can be with the people she loves and can confide in, and she does not find a fix to her problems.

Next, the second verse continues the story of the girl, when Lavigne says, "You've been rejected, and now you can't find, what you left behind." This relates to Sophia as she was bullied in her old schools, which has left a scar on her, as she believes change is necessary for others to accept her. This is seen when Madison finds out the truth about her father, and Sophia shuts down completely, only thinking of the worse and says, "Six schools. I just wasn't up for number seven. They were probably laughing right now" (Toten 203).  We also learn about Sophia being rejected and bullied by her friends in previous schools when she describes, "I went to five lousy schools...because it was that ugly once people found out. That's how absolutely everyone is!" (Toten 211) .In the hook of the song, the lyrics say, "Too many problems...don't know where she belongs." These words are simple, yet powerful as they embody Sophia's main struggle, and the reason why she switched around different schools.

Lastly, the bridge of the song defines how, "her feelings she hides...she can't find her place...she's losing her faith...she's fallen from grace." Since the beginning of the story, it is shown that Sophia pretends to be content to prevent others from being hurt, when in reality she is grieving herself. This is seen when Sophia gets in a fight with her mother  and says, "My hands clenched, the words rose in me, I ate them" (Toten 75). Near the end of the story, Sophia convinces herself that she will never belong anywhere after Madison discovers the truth about her father, and she says "It would always be like this...there was no magic bullet, no protection, no point" (Toten 203). This shows Sophia has lost faith in all friendships. In addition, as Lavigne describes the breaking point of a person with all the emotions building inside them, with no way to let anyone else know, Sophia addresses herself in the mirror gifted to her by her father, and says "If I hit her...Sophie would shatter, put her out of her misery. The floor would be covered in glittering stars...I would take one...and anoint my writs...Papa's princess would never hurt again" (Toten 203). Insecure, and paralyzed by fear of how others would react to finding out the truth, Sophia prepares to kill herself due to this isolation. Sophia's character goes through phases of bullying and estrangement, and as Lavigne says in the ending of her song, she is "lost inside."

Me and The Blondes- Teressa Toten (Post 1)

The social issue presented so far in the story is of alienation and social acceptance.

The plot revolves around a 15 year old girl, Sophia Kandinsky, who has an inner battle of wanting to be accepted by society, after being immensely bullied in her schools. Sophia's father was arrested for manslaughter, which has a negative impact on Sophia's life. She is called names such as "Murderer's kid", and she loses all her friends, as a result of which she devises a plan to simply merge with the most popular clique in her new school to belong somewhere- The Blondes.


As the story progresses, we learn that Sophia often bottles up her emotions, so she can be accepted by others, and she begins by telling everyone at her new school that her father is dead, when he is in jail. She feels estranged from others due to this lie, and does not open up to anyone about her struggles at home related to her father.


The story of Amanda Todd's suicide explained by her mother in this news article further enhances the issue of how bullying can lead to alienation:
http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/carol-todd/bell-lets-talk-day_b_4685706.html

In the article, Carol Todd, Amanda Todd's mother, discusses how mental health impacted Amanda Todd's suicide. Firstly, she mentions how people hide their issues as, "many are afraid to talk about it for the reasons that it may affect the way others regard them." This relates to Sophia as she frequently avoids talking about her father being in jail to others, and tells them that he is dead, when he is in fact alive. Sophia refuses to talk about her emotions often because of the bullying she experienced as a child, and is scared of any backlash she might receive from The Blondes, or other students.


Carol also reveals that when her daughter decided to "speak up about how she felt, others made fun of her. With that, she retreated more into her shell." Similarly, Sophia was teased by students in her previous schools, when they discovered her father was in jail. The bullying caused Sophia to act to impress the Blondes, despite how she may actually feel.  In addition, Sophia's mother also had to face society's criticism when the truth about her husband's arrest was revealed.


I took the photograph below to display alienation. Although one is physically present with a group of people, they feel detached emotionally, as if they don't belong. Their guard is constantly up, as shown with the character keeping one foot inside the circle, and one out. Being there with other people provides them company, but it does not erase the distant feelings of not belonging.

Lastly, to demonstrate the social issue, I wrote a poem called Reality. The poem defines the aspects of Sophia's life which led her to hide her emotions, and disguise her true self for a while. The last line of each stanza depicts how society and students at her previous and new school see her; when she is being herself, and when she is showing her mask of emotions.


Reality 

Reality, isn't always what we perceive.
The smiling eyes hide the vacancy.
The desperation to be seen without judgment,
Is what they don’t see.

A victim of estrangement and frustrated
To the brink. Oh, what else can she do?
But act how they want,
In hopes that they might see.

So she takes out the swords that wounded her deep,
And decides to suppress her angst to be free
As, the lesson she learned was not to begin as herself,
Or they won’t see.

Therefore, she built a cold wall of disguise,
That only breaks when she is alone
But, finally,
The broken girl is who they see.